Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Retailers Flummoxed Nationwide

Retailers across the nation are scratching their heads in wonderment today in response to a run on plus-size aprons. Most stores have sold out and huge crowds of frustrated customers are reported in several locations.

"It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen," one Wal-Mart manager said, shouting to make himself heard above the din of angry people. "All of a sudden every guy in town wants an apron and their wives seem just as anxious for them to buy one. And all the men have this odd look of desperation on their faces."

The unexpected demand has retail analysts scrambling for an explanation. So far the theories include the obvious need to make lunches for school, or possibly the late summer handyman projects where men prepare their homes for fall and winter.

Perhaps the most persuasive theory, though, was advanced by a bemused group of women standing outside a local shopping mall and watching the ruckus.

"There is nothing more appealing than a man willing to put on an apron for the sake of a woman's happiness," Mother Jones RN said. "When my husband's in the kitchen, he's the sexiest man alive."

Other bystanders chimed in with similar opinions. "My husband has figured out that if he helps his wife out around the home," Karmyn R said, "she is more likely to have sex with him instead of being 'too tired and stressed out!' "

This left Julie Julie Bo Boolie and Jellyhead nodding in agreement. "There is nothing sexier," Julie said, "than a man loading the dishwasher, washing the floor or bathing and putting his children to bed. I mean absolutely nothing!"

JBWriterGirl went so far as to put it this way: "One afternoon my husband offered to take over a refinishing job I was doing. He strained and groaned and I saw muscles I'd never even realized he had. Was I horny? You betcha."

Conclusive evidence for this "Foreplay by Dishwashing" theory showed up minutes later when two burly men in one store struggled over the lone remaining apron and ended up tearing it into two pieces. "Now you've done it," one of them shouted as he waved his half in the other man's face. "How am I supposed to look sexy in this?"


Dear Faithful Readers,

Your comments a couple of days ago were simply too juicy to pass up! Thanks to everyone for all the input, and to JBWriterGirl, whose The Not So News/JBLA site inspired the format.

Coming up tomorrow: Dismaying Story #43: The Not So Handyman. This is the story of a woman who has trouble getting her husband to pitch in with handyman projects around the house, the ones that guys traditionally look after. I'll examine some of the underlying causes of their conflict, including how issues like this are often not as one-sided as you might think.

See you then!


  1. Hahaha! Fabulous entry, Andrew. I agree, men who do housework are sexy.

    P.S. I like JBWriterGirl's site too. :-)

  2. too funny - it took me a paragraph or two to figure out it was a spoof


  3. This was a great post today and I wonder when men will figure this out that if they help out more around the house, they will get lucky.

    As far as tomorrow's post, my husband is not so handy around the house. I reason it to the way he grew up because he is the son of a pastor and they never replaced or fixed anything OR took care of things. When we got married and moved in together, our gutters needed cleaning, the lawn mowed, the leaves raked and I had to tell him to please do it....every single time!

    I also think he is they type if he does not do something on his own, he cannot get blamed for it if it does not turn out. I will say, after 13 years of marriage he has come a long way. For instance, he put in a new garbage disposal and it did not take three months like the last time. I made sure I praised him for a job well done. He also made a table for his train set. Again, lots of praise from me. I will also note he may not be that handy, but he is great with computers and a wonderful father and also a husband who is willing to stop and pick up feminine hygiene products for me without whining about it.

    Some people think men should be handy like women should be good cooks and housekeepers (I am neither).

    Ok, I have said too much.

    I will be interested to see what you have to say tomorrow.

  4. Hilarious post. I think men dolook sexy doing some housework and puts you in the mood too, because you are not tired of doing everything yoursel.

  5. This post made me grin like an idiot! - very funny!

  6. Whdile this is my first visit, I read several of your entries. I am both impressed and ready to make a comment.
    Plus sized ANYTHING!
    Plus size has become a NEED from America's "over-wieght" epidemic. How embarassing is it to put on a simple apron and it doesn't fit? With a tag on it saying "one sizze fits most." Did you know that Plus size is considered size 10 and up? I was horrified to hear that a model size 10 was considered PLUS sized!! OMG! Marylin Monroe was a 14!! for crying out loud.

    So while I think a man in the kitchen is HOT! HOT! HOT! I also think that this is an example of supply and demand.

  7. Lizza and AZGoddess: Thanks!

    Lori: Glad to hear you and your husband have made progress on this issue over the years. Praise is definitely an important motivator, and one that is overlooked all too often.

    Starry and Jellyhead: Thanks, your comments made ME grin.

    Superstar: Welcome! I only said "plus size" because some of the frillier, lacier aprons might not fit some men. Upon reflection, the story be just as strong without mentioning that at all. Thanks for your input!

  8. Great and I did like your work on story 41#. I've great parents too - married for 26 years now, they have been very supportive of one another! My father is great - he shares most of the household work right from cleaning to cooking and mind you cleaning and cooking is not as easy as what we have here in US with all the technology and comforts, back in my country it eats all our time! We have never had house maids ever in our life, he taught us to wash our own clothes( we dont have a washing machine either as on date today as we never felt a need for one, and we wash all our clothes with bare hands - and take it from me washing clothes with your hands cleans more effectively than washing machine) Sorry if I had to eat up your comment space - why I'm saying all this is : Life is short and sweet and all it takes is just a smile, share of responsibilites and a big hug with four small words" I love you dear" to make your life enlightening! Great Post!

  9. Haaahaaa,this is perfect!
    Husbands being kind and loving to their kids is pretty sexy too;p

  10. Very cute post!

    I meant to comment on the original post but somehow didn't . . .

    I agree that it is sexy to have a man who is willing to help. My husband helps out because he wants me to feel appreciated, nay, cherished and it works!

    Some male friends don't understand why he is always helping out but that may be because they are not around to appreciate the rewards he reaps when we are alone. ;-)

  11. hehe Men that do housework are insanely sexy!

  12. Oh my goodness. I usually come here to find some seriousness and really thought this post was serious until I read down a few paragraphs. Thanks for the mind bend Doc Andrew.

  13. I would leave a comment, but Im due in the see DH did the dishes..helped with dinner, and did some handyman "away we go!"

  14. I think there is nothing sexier than to watch a man care for his child or children. Most guys today help out with household chores and the kids....I think thats wonderful! And I am sure when these babies grow up they are going to be very happy children that Dad was as involved as Mom was. :))

  15. I don't think the guys look particularly sexy. I see it more in the sense that they are willing to don an apron and help out around the house. Now that is sexy!

  16. hahaha LOVE it! I confess I had dreams of coming home to a husband in nothing but an apron long before I met my hubbie.. he still won't wear it tho :( Oh well! Least he'll actually occasionnaly load the dishwasher for me :)

  17. Well, I'll be damed Andrew! If we had Nielson ratings here I guess you'd win.

    Great idea as a tag for all your truthful, helpful solutions since laughter is the best medicine.

    I shall look forward to more of your wacky posts.

    Now, speaking of horny, I think I just might go pull on those apron strings.


  18. Anonymous12:59 PM

    Men aren’t any sexier while cleaning than a woman is.

    I have 17 years in my relationship. In that time, I have been a career woman, a stay-at-home-mom, a working mom both part and fulltime, and a mom running her own business from home. One position has never been easier than another. Being a parent while balancing a home, a marriage and sanity is a tough juggling act. But, it can be done.

    Trouble with women is we begin our relationships as nurturers. We want to take care of our boy toys. We want them happy and we do everything in our power to keep them happy. When a baby comes along, things change. Besides our body image going down the tubes, we run out of time to nurture the boy toy. He gets put on the backburner, as does the woman’s own health and well-being.

    In his defense, he has never had to step up. His mom took care of him until he moved out and then in with the woman. Men are confused when that treatment stops. Why can’t you keep the house clean? Why can’t you have dinner ready when I get home? Why can’t you be an acrobat in bed anymore?

    Solution is simple. Talk.

    If the woman communicates to the man that the job at home is long and stressful, and says she expects him to step up, he likely will. She has to tell him that she didn’t even have time to take a shower or put on makeup. She has to let him know what goes on while he is out of the home. The man needs to be told exactly what needs to be done because he has never had to do it before. But women often times won’t do that. Women want a “mind reader” or someone who thinks like they do. They want their man to see the unfolded laundry in a basket and think, “Well, it is all going to be wrinkled if I don’t fold it.” Instead, the man steps over said basket wondering why the basket is in the walkway, and inside the woman boils over because her man didn’t take the initiative. She never realizes that he has never had to think that way or fend for himself. And she has herself and his mother to thank for that.

    I taught my husband how to cook. Was the best thing I ever did. I had to make it fun to keep his interest. So, we wore nothing but aprons, and let me tell you, pink is his color! When finished eating, I praised him (similar to how you’d praise a child) and then I said, “Since you cooked, I’ll clean. It’s a fair trade. Don’t you think?” He agreed and now
    he always cleans the kitchen after I cook. Just that little bit of cleaning that he does, makes all the difference in my day-to-day.

    When I do laundry, I set the folded clothes in piles on the couch. When he gets home I used to have to verbalize, “Put your clothes away.” Now he sees his clothes and just puts them away.

    When I wanted him to take care of the laundry, I showed him how to separate and use the machines. I even showed him how to measure soap. Sounds crazy but it worked. Plus to cure my OCD, I let go of the fact that he doesn’t fold bath towels the way I do. And I realized it’s okay if the stack in the linen closet isn’t perfectly aligned. We learned together because marriage is all about teamwork. If you don’t have that, everything else will suffer.

    There’s my 2 cents for the day. :)

  19. ROFLMAO!!! Andrew, not only are you a man of sO many wise words, but a fiiiiiine comedian too! Excellent post!